What To Expect - The Ugly Side of Pregnancy Symptoms

Let's be real. All those pregnancy books you've been reading talk all about baby and barely mention what's going on with mama. There are a lot of freaky things that happen during pregnancy so I'm sharing just a few with you guys today.

And of course, as a disclaimer, this is meant to be taken somewhat lightly. While all are true of myself, it doesn't mean these are inevitably going to happen to you. However, if they don't, consider yourself lucky little miss! 

Anyway, enough rambles. Here are my Top 10 Favorite Pregnancy Symptoms [insert eye roll] 

1. Gas. And I'm not talking about those cute little toots or even those silent but deadly ones. I'm taking about the not so silent yet still very deadly farts. 

2. Peeing Your Pants. Be prepared for a little trickle every time you sneeze, cough, laugh, or simply roll out of bed. And don't expect it to get any better the further you progress. Get yourself some panty liners and while you're at it stock up on some extra underwear. And I'm not talking about those cute little Victoria Secret ones, go get yourself some good old fashion no-name brand granny panties and enjoy!

3. Stretch Marks. Don't kid yourself into thinking that you'll be that one lucky lady that never gets stretch marks. And if you happen to be that one lucky lady, bug off. Stretch marks are a glorious thing. No matter how much body butter you use, those bad boys are still coming for you! I think I went through about 3 huge jars of tummy butter and let me tell you, that stuff doesn't work. Sure, it helped make my dry skin feel more moisturized but I still got a plethora of stretch marks on my hips. 

4. Rashes/Weird Skin Shtuff. Let's face it, things start rubbing together after a while and your skin gets angry. Grab that A&D ointment out of your already prepared diaper bag and rub it on. You may smell like a baby's arse but at least your skin will thank you. 

5. Leaky Boobs. Guys, this can be real awkward. Warn your husbands now to avoid the look of pure horror that may come across his face should we decide to squeeze your boob so hard that colostrum leaks out. Colostrum, what's that - you say? It's a lovely tannish thick liquid full of fat & nutrients meant for baby's first few days of life. However, while it's meant for baby, it sometimes likes to make it's debut a little too early leaving you with wet patches on your shirt. I have no advice for this other than just know that it's normal and baby will still get plenty upon arrival. 

6. Acid Reflux. This one struck me hard. If you've never had acid reflux or heartburn before, consider yourself lucky. It's a feeling that's a little hard to explain but is pretty similar to that feeling you get right before you're about to throw up but minus the nauseous. And it tends to linger in the back of your throat for a long time. For me, I can't lay down after eating or eat too many carbs before bed time. Tums, Maalox, and Zantac are great options to alleviate the burn. But if you have it bad like I do, nothing truly helps. 

7. Double Chin Syndrome. Scratch that, I think I have a quadruple chin at this point. I've tried accepting him, and even give him a loving grab every now and then. But let's face it, he is one ugly side affect of pregnancy. 

8. Random Bouts of Crazy. Some days when I'm acting especially crazy and just can't get a hold of myself and my husband asks why or what's wrong I simply reply "because I'm pregnant!" It sure seems like a good enough excuse at the time. But in all honesty some days I just don't have the energy to think clearly and blame it all on pregnancy. You have been warned, pregnancy will make you a crazy basket case and there's no true rhyme or reason other than 'damn it, I'm pregnant!'

9. Insomnia. You know that thing you will never have again once baby is born? Yeah, sleep, that's the one. Well, you might as well kiss it goodbye as soon as you see those two pink lines. Not only will you soon be forced to sleep in one position for the next 9 months (preferably your left side but right is ok too) but you will also suffer from what I call the 'pregnancy induced mind race.' If you have learned how to turn this switch off, please teach me your ways. For I have simply no clue how to turn it off. While I lay in bed, tossing and turning from one side to the other with excruciating hip pain, my mind begins to wander. I turn into a self conscious crazed psychopath,  convincing myself that "I will never be a good mom, I have no clue what I'm doing, this poor child is going to hate me,  what if I can't do this," oh and the list continues. And when I'm not being a psycho, my thoughts drift to "crap, I need to deep clean the kitchen, oh and I need to organize the linen closet, and I really need to get better about meal planning." And it seems the only time my mind races like this is when I'm laying in bed, uncomfortably on my left side, trying to control my inevitable acid reflux and wishing I could just sleep in a bath tub of jello. 

10. Cellulite. What's that, you ask? Seriously, go away. Ladies, I'll be honest. I definitely had my fair share of cellulite prior to pregnancy but can someone please explain to me how it is humanly possible to get cellulite on the front of your thighs? And not to mention, every other orface of my body! Nasty stuff I tell you. Get to squatting now ladies! 

Enjoy the next 9 months of all this sexiness. You're sure to miss it once that little one arrives!

Honorable Mentions:  Pure Laziness, Hair Growth (Good & Bad), Teenage Pizza Face, Swollen Piggies, and many more!